Why do I only feel this urge of typing something on this diary when I am feeling down?? That must happen because I do not have anyone close enough to me to trust them these feelings so…I just come here and put all them up on the Internet for the world to see…it's a bit of a contradiction uh??

My holidays went just the way I said they would…like hell!! I am so thankful they are over now…

Yesterday I was feeling very bright (sounds weird but I really was!) and today I just hit my ground zero… I am listening to an amazing and purely passionate song from this fantastic man that will always be my Master and he is the only who can make me feel something inside… Coz there are times I feel completely dead inside. There are times when I don't even feel my heart beating.

It's funny… I have always had lots of self-confidence and self-esteem issues, and to be honest I think they will walk right beside me on every step of my life but… if there were times when I felt a sexual human being, someone with sexual desire…it was while listening to his voice… No one else had the power to make me feel such thing in such a deep way. Everyone has fantasies and everyone dreams about a certain level of a spiritual/physical connection with ourselves and with someone else… and this is actually something much more complex than some might think.

I've been writing this fiction… it basically is a story that reflects a lot of aspects of my sentimental life and how I deal with things. The weird thing is that…while I am writing this I could be whoever I wanted to be, I could look like a princess and marry the most amazing man on earth… but surprisingly enough that doesn't happen. I continue to fight the same fears and face the same insecurities. And now you ask why am I writing about the same things that make my feel miserable in real life? Why am I not writing a fairy tail instead? Well, I guess that writing a beautiful story wouldn't be me. Before I can write a fairy-tail I need to get over all the things that scare me. And although some people may think the opposite, I do not want to live in a "baby-blue" world where everything happens the way I want it to. This man I was talking about…he talks about forgiveness on his latest (and very painful but also very hopeful) album. And it's quite impressive how much we are alike when it comes to feelings and emotional pain… I think forgiveness is the "key" to most of the things that make me the angry and bitter person that I became. It can sound very simple but it is very complex. Even knowing that forgiveness is the key… I need to be prepared to just let go and move on. And I'll probably take my whole life seeking for that. I may come…some day. My "Master" is helping me on my seeking for forgiveness and inner peace.

May be I'll post a sneak preview of this fiction I have been writing for the past years… If someone is interested that is! Sometimes it consumes me and I think I am obsessed with it. I think it became a world apart from the real world…

Purplexxx